So, you are crawling through a sewer about to attack Bioware.
Yep that about sums up my current situation.
What are you trying to achieve from this help guide?
Honestly I have no idea. You haven’t been much help so far.
Then why did you summon me?
I’m crawling through a sewer, I want someone to talk to.
You summoned me just to talk? Great. Is my help so under-appreciated?
Please, you give the least helpful advice I have ever heard.
Oh, is that what you think? In that case, I’ll be off.
I summoned you, you need to stay untill I’m are done.
No, I only need to stay until you complete what you told me you were trying to achieve. And this time you set no conditions.
In that case, I am trying to free BioWare from the control of EA and the reapers.
What’s Kendra and her gang doing?
They are going to create a distraction in the street so that nobody interrupts me.
What about furry red yoda?
Apparently he is an informant for the underground resistance.
Can we focus on me?
Fine, if you are in the sewers, keep an eye out for pipes leading to Bioware.
What do they look like?
How should I know? You are in a sewer, they don’t exactly label them for your convenience.
Damn it, this feels like where I should move up. I’m cutting a hole with the lightsaber.
Make sure the hole you cut doesn’t fall on you.
It’s cut, I don’t think anyone above saw.
What does it look like?
I think it’s a car park.
Pull yourself up, but try and remain undetected.
I can’t even see anyone in the car park.
It would be wise to go quietly.
I thought my main problem would be smell.
Oh right. In that case I would recommend you just run for it.
And this time I’m taking the elevator.
Again, I’m going to recommend against it.
And what was your excellent logic for that again?
They would be expecting it.
Look, I’m going up there to kick some ass, you can either complain or help me.
Does it seem like I want to help you?
I thought so. Ok, I’m in the elevator. Top floor, same as last time.
Don’t you think it strange that nobody has tried to stop you yet?
Shut up, I need to ready myself.
Ok, two points. First, you have no idea what to ready yourself for and second, now you want me to be quiet, after telling me you only want me here to talk to you…
I’m telling you, those doors open and you are either fucked, or the luckiest person alive.
How lucky do you think I need to be?
The only way you are going to survive is if nobody up here has any idea you are coming and nobody has any weapons.
You think I have that little chance?
Oh no, I think even if that’s exactly what happens, you will still figure out a way of hurting yourself.
Some help you are…
Just tell me when the doors open.
They are opening now.
What’s happening, what do you see?
The floor is entirely deserted apart from someone sitting in a chair on the other side of the room.
Who is it?
I think it’s Stephen Reid.
Told you so.
When? When did you tell me?
No you didn’t, the only thing you told me was that I was going to die!
Stop talking to yourself.
No, you stop talking to yourself.
Lame, real lame.
BioWare have fired all their staff who ever fought against EA. I don’t think it was BioWare’s decision, more pressure from EA.
Sucks to be him.
Now, I’ve been thinking about that. I think the best thing for me would be to join the resistance, help them for a while. You should probably get back to your own life. This world is soon to see war.
But can’t I help?
There is nothing you can do. You can’t fight, you talk to yourself and you smell like a sewer. Your purpose was to keep my lightsaber safe from BioWare so it wouldn’t be destroyed when this day came.
Ask him what happens to BioWare now.
What happens to BioWare now?
Bioware is now but a shadow of its former self. With a decent chunk of the staff joining the resistance, the resistance now knows exactly how they work. There won’t be anything they can do to help EA other than continue to make games.
This concludes “Attack Bioware Via The Spirit World Help Guide”.
Well, here is the lightsaber back.
In order to return to the real world click your heels together three times.
Farewell strange world.
Did everything go as expected?
With the idiot, yes. Everything went mostly as planned.
Is the resistance in place?
Downstairs waiting for you.
You did well guide, I dismiss you.
This concludes the “Joining the EA resistance in the Spirit World, a help guide”.
I said I dismiss you!
An original Ken Clark / TOROZ production